So.. what did happen next. I am still healing, still making mistakes, and yes, sometimes I still resort back to my old ways of coping, like lying, bingeing or wanting to cut. However, most of the time I am able to SEE what is going on, and get out of that space a lot quicker than before. And I have more coping mechanisms at my disposal as well. I also sometimes get into old perfectionist mode, and try to be further along than I am.

That happened recently when I attempted a term at Michigan State University.. I stupidly signed up for classes for which I had NONE of the preequisites.. I was taking Calculus I at the same time as 300 and 400 Electrical Engineering classes. This was not tough, this was stupid! I was trying to get a degree course in engineering in one semester basically. And I failed. Badly. I had weeks on end when I could only get out of bed to see my counsellor. I wrote a bit more about what happened here.. but it was hell.

So I came back to England. And found a job. And learned to show up at work every day, to be organised, to do things when I say that I will do them. I've made mistakes.. lots of them. And learned to say I was wrong, apologise and fix it, not run away and curl up in a little ball. I went back to seeing Janie again, working a lot on stuff around my mother, which is essential, as I was still living in her house and she visited a lot.

I've now moved up to Nottingham, and started a PhD in October for three years. It seems very strange, leaving home for pretty much the first time, aged 29. Getting excited over "my" toaster, and "my kettle" and "my iron" and so on. I've got a small bedsit that's MINE, really mine .. my own home. My own responsibility to budget, pay bills on, and all that stuff. It's both scary and exciting.

As for what's ahead.. well.. I want to go back to the States. But right now, I've committed myself to being here for three years. It does mean longer without being with my partner, but it is what I want to be doing with my life, for me. It will give me a chance to grow, to be independent, to manage life on my own. And then, hopefully, PhD in hand, with increased self-sufficienty and God-sufficiency, I can find a way to live and work in the States, with my partner.

Other Things I'm Learning

• That fear always creates what it defends against ... that if I'm afraid of something happening and don't look at my fear and feel my fear, I am BOUND to act in ways that bring about whatever it was I was afraid of.
• Keys to dealing with fear.. Feel it; Express it - to yourself, to God, to someone else... which then enables you to Act ON it and not act OUT of fear.. and finally, Release it.. let go, and trust.
• That issues are rarely about what they appear to be about on the surface. There is usually something deeper, that can be "dived" and got at.
• That other people are NOT my mother (still learning this one), and when I start seeing them as her, I behave like a child, I lie, I try to please them.. with hurtful results all round.
• That I am twenty nine years old, and can choose to be an adult, rather than reacting from KJ/Nan/Teenage mode, or from Little Kirsti.
• That the truth sometimes hurts like heck but is the only way out. As someone wise once said.. "The truth will set you free.. but first it'll really piss you off."
• That I can go to my inside "honesty room" (thanks Dar!) and make a safe space for myself when I've got something scary to say, or when I feel like lying.
• That when I think "I'm fat" it usually means I'm feeling like "I'm bad".
• That when I think "I'm bad" it usually means that I feel sad or angry or upset.
• That other people like me. Really like me.
• That just maybe I'm likeable myself, and not the swamp monster I always thought was inside me.
• That I am a warrior princess, that I have danced barefoot across the sea of broken glass, that I have braved the flames and survived. I have choked the coils of diverginal calculus, and twisted the coldest of fears into benevolence. I am a strong, powerful 31 year old woman. Watch out world!

This is a beginning. This page will be added to, as I keep learning. Peace to you.

Back to "I Have Survived"