This is a tough one to write.. what actually happened. My memories are shaky, but coming back in pieces. I always remembered the things he made me do to him.. teaching me how to tongue kiss, then making me promise never to kiss my mother like that.. I wanted to try it when she tucked me into bed that night, but either I didn't, or else she didn't notice my mouth opening slightly.

He also taught me about oral sex.. made me kiss his penis and bring him to almost orgasm .. one time he pushed my head away like I'd done soething wrong and then all this white stuff came out ...

More recently, I have been having body memories of fingers between my legs, rubbing on my clitoris and bringing me to arousal. This has brought me to a state of awful confusion, feeling good AND bad at once.. plus more body physical memories of his penis in my throat. Not being able to breathe, choking and gagging in my mouth.

My other main memory is of one time, I was lying on my bed, he was there too, I had my skirt unbuttoned and my underwear round my ankles.. I can't tell you what was happening. I just remember thinking that I heard something .. footsteps coming up the stairs. Usually Bill was really careful about listening out for that.. he would be the first to jump up and throw my skirt around my legs and make like he was washing windows. But this time he was obviously "otherwise occupied" and didn't move. The next minute, I saw Bettina, the au-pair coming up the stairs. We kept my bedroom door open so as not to arouse suspicion.. and she was looking in. I don't know what she saw. She never spoke of it to me. When I told this memory to my mother, she denied it, and said that Bettina had only told her of seeing Bill touch me and put his hand up my skirt downstairs. We have yet to resolve that one.

This is what I have survived. This is what I remember, and what I hold to be true.

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